Onions & Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible
but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will
need to find out anyway!"
You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither
one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male!"
40 Funny Reasons Why It's Wonderful To Be A Woman
1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.
2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.
3. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl.
5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected.
6. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a passable standard at the same time.
7. Women live longer than men.
8. Women know how to cover up spots and other facial blemishes.
9. If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice.
10. Women mature earlier than men (some men never mature at all).
11. There are times when chocolate is really the answer to all woman's problems.
12. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers.
13. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
14. Women know the truth about whether size matters...
15. A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.
16. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.
17. Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.
18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
19. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
20. Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.
21. A woman can get a whole new lease on life just by changing her lipstick.
22. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.
23. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper.
24. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.
25. Women can admit to others when they've made a mistake
26. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.
27. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.
28. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy.
29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a short woman's complex.
30. Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored.
31. Women have total control over their eyebrows.
32. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men.
33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she's drunk.
34. A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions.
35. Women aren't covered with hair like shag carpeting.
36. Woman don't feel threatened if their partner earns more than they do.
37. For women, a new season means a whole new wardrobe.
38. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want.
39. Women don't think reading the manual is a betrayal of all their species stands for.
40. Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week.
What makes a 100%?
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+! 14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
HE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. The next thing they know, they're all in Heaven before the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is waiting.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your
finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Katrina, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"The girl is a little reluctant to answer but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."St. Peter says,"Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, St. Peter says, "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want
to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it."
The Wedding Prank
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms
buddies received the following note:
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK.
BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE
INTERNATIONAL THINKING !
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's
technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi
workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and
trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed
that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're
not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore? " She said "I love it, but I
have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and
said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers >down there!" "Let me see" he
said. "Okay," and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right.
You are. Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken
sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches too,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so
he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my Gosh, it's too late for
you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"
One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes, I did!" Terry's wife said "Well, you can get more than that but it will cost you $500."
So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay. She said "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work." Mike said "I'll see you then." The next day Mike went over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.
Later Terry came home and asked "Has Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
The Six Affairs
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified
to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
The bartender replied, "Yes."
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "shhhh...just let the poison work."