Age: 56
Sex: Female
Sexuality: Straight
Relationship: Committed
Occupation: Cunning Linguist, Master Deb8r
Location: Cumseemee, NJ. USA

My Biography
I got into LOA a few years ago, through a friend. He took me to my first LOA concert in Philly, back in October 2002, and we had a blast! I think LOA's music is cool and sexy and great for a dance....even a horizontal dance...heehee....

Ask me anything...I'm very honest and straight forward, and I believe in just being REAL. If only everyone could be real, the world would be...well, okay, the world will always be fucked up! LOL Anyway, live, laugh and love....and when the mood strikes you, dance naked!! ♥


"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
(Homer Simpson)

"Folks don't laugh so hard, when you've got a grand in your pocket." (The Full Monty)

"Thanks for the cereal. I had a lovely evening. By the way, it says 'BALLS' on your face." (Garden State)

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" (a friend)

"I'm much more than a walking penis....I'm a flying penis!" (Charlie Sheen, 'Terminal Velocity')

"I just want a woman whose company I can stand, once her mouth is free of obstruction." (Christian, Nip/Tuck)

Bush's Psalm:

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories,
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me into the paths of unemployment for his cronies' sake.
Yea, though weapons of mass destruction have not been found, he maketh me continue to fear evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfort me.
He anointeth me with never-ending debt.
Verily, my days of savings and assets are lost;
Surely, poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his administration,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

"America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach."
-Chris Rock

"When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."
- Norm Crosby

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
- Jack Handey

"If you can go through life without experiencing pain, you probably haven't been born yet." -Neil Simon

"Each of us has the right to assess the roads which lie ahead and those over which we have traveled, and if the future road looms ominous or unpromising, and the roads back uninviting, then we need to gather our resolve and, carrying only the necessary baggage, step off that road into another direction. If the new choice is unpalatable, without embarrassment, we must be ready to change that as well." -Maya Angelou

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."
-Robert Brault

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along" -Maroon 5

"In the year 3000, everything will be instantaneous... But the DMV will still take like nine fuckin' seconds!"
-Dane Cook

"Oh, I'm supposed to go on and live my life as I did prior to 9/11? Really? Well, the truth is I hated foreign assholes who want to kill me, on September 10th!"
-Dennis Miller

Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man
Love, To forgive him and
Patience, For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

"A big pet peeve of mine is people who drive while talking on their cell phones.  I'd roll down my window and yell at them if I weren't afraid of cutting myself with my razor."
-Chris Shirley

"I expect to pass through this world but once.  Any good
therefore that I can do, or any kindness or abilities that
I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now.  Let me
not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."
-William Penn

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life,
you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free,
we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release
the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy
it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from
a new life. What is it you would let go of today?"
-Mary Manin Morrissey

"In retrospect, answering "Wallowing in the bowels of
despondency and floating in the sea of inebriation"
when asked what I was doing on the night of March 10th
didn't seem nearly as funny to the judge at my murder
trial as it did to the regulars down at the bar."
-Paul Hitz

"I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling
in any particular one. Then I got older and realized you can *buy* trophies.
Now I'm good at everything."

"I've been trying to throw away my trash can for years, but the garbage men don't seem to understand."
-J. Hutter

"Sometimes, you can just smell a horrendously shitty day coming, can't you?"
-Michael Keaton, The Paper

"I went to the store to buy a candle holder, but they didn't have any. So, I got a cake."

"Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit."

"When someone hands me a flyer, it's like they are saying, 'Here--You throw this away.'"

-The late, great Mitch Hedberg

"Nobody dies a virgin, because life screws you every day." -anonymous

"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

And now for a poetry break...

"She Taught Me"

how to smile when there was little to smile about on a Monday morning full of work and bills

how to laugh when the worst possible moment of my day had just gotten worse

how to breathe away that feeling of suffocation I got when my heart would break

how to hug without being the first to let go

how to love unconditionally

how to welcome a new friend and cherish an old one

how to hold my head up when I felt like the world just wanted to knock me down

how to hold someone's hand when he or she needed some balance

how to feed a hungry friend or a hungry stranger

how to make friendship among family and find family in a friend

how to forgive with grace and apologize with sincerity

how to rise and walk with dignity after falling before the world

how to live with mistakes and learn from repeating them

how to close the door with faith that there is always another door

how to hold on to what must be kept and let go of what must depart.

All poems copyrighted by SweetMissG 2000

A sign outside a church:
"What part of Thou Shalt Not don't you understand?"

"To belittle is to be little."

"If he says he is not good enough for you, believe him the first time!" -Me

"My more-having would be as a sauce to make me hunger more." -Shakespeare, Macbeth

"Pleasure and action make the hours seem short." -Shakespeare, Othello

"Nothing almost sees miracles but misery."
-Shakespeare, King Lear

"It is the very error of the moon; She comes more near the earth than she was wont and makes men mad."
-Shakespeare, Othello

"It isn't brave if you aren't scared." -Bounce

"Some people's minds are like concrete; thoroughly
mixed up and permanently set."

"I only answer to two people in this world: God and myself. I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks of me." -Cher

"How simple it is to see that all the worry in the world cannot control the future.
How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now.
And that there will never be a time when it is not now."
-Gerald Jampolsky

"Life's a mess...it's chaos personified." -Molly Shannon, Serendipity

"It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived." -Anonymous

"The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth." -Anonymous

"It is better to be alone than in bad company."
-Thomas Fuller

"I don't go out with my single friends anymore, because I never have any fun. Go to a club, a guy comes over, says, 'Can I buy you a drink?'
'No, oh no, she's married.' Yeah, I'm married, but I'm thirsty! Why don't you shut up and let me have a free drink?!"
-Wanda Sykes-Hall

"Wanna drop a house on that bitch!" - Urban Discharge

"I'd rather die standing than live kneeling." -T.A.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned."

"If I were a ghost, I'd dress up as a kid on Halloween so I could scare everybody with my frighteningly obsessive need for irony."
-Jeff Chastain

"Leave no doughnut behind..." -Eric Cartman

"British researchers at the University of Leicester piped Duran Duran music into stalls at dairy farms to see if the stimulation makes the cows produce more milk. Reportedly, the cows have given more milk, but unfortunately, it all had an expiration date of March 4, 1986."
-Tina Fey

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Walk in the rain,
collect rainbows, smell flowers, stop along the way, build sand
castles, watch the moon and stars come out, say hello to everyone,
make up new rules, go on adventures, act silly, take bubble baths,
hold hands and hug and kiss, dance, laugh and cry for the health
of it, feel happy, say the magic words, and trust the universe."
-Bruce Williamson

Bridget: Nice boys don't kiss like that...
Mark: Oh, yes, they fuckin' do...
-Bridget Jones' Diary

I planned to overcome my laziness and write you sooner. I said to myself, "I think I can! I think I can!"
I sat down at my desk saying, "I think I can! I think I can!"
I got out a pen and paper saying, "I think I can! I think I can!"
And as I began to write...
A little engine came out of nowhere and nailed me.

-from a Shoebox Greetings card

For all you guys who love to play head games...or if you are just out for the thrill of cheating on your girlfriends or wives....Why don't you call me??? 212-479-7990 Anytime...

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER -by the late, great Erma Bombeck

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it .. live it .and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves ment ally, physically, emotionally. I hope you all have a blessed day.

"The greatest dignity to be found in death is the dignity of the life that preceded it ... Hope resides in the meaning of what our lives have been."  
- Sherwin B. Nuland

Final Poetry Break:

"Make Me"

Make my heart race, as you tackle me to the ground...
Who cares who sees??
Make my back bleed, as I squirm on the cold concrete...
The sharp bed rakes my skin...
Make my arms turn colors, as you pin them down with yours...
Hold me down tight...
Make my eyes roll back in my head, as you force yourself inside...
Don't stop until you reach the hilt...
Make my mind spin, as you whisper how great it feels to fill me...
My insides quivering from your hard breath on my neck...
Make me sorry I didn't give in sooner to your discipline...
I moan and whimper for my master...
Make my walls flood with the sweet mixture of your honey and mine...
Make me cry out...
Make me yours...

All poems copyrighted by SweetMissG 2003


One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak &fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke
--- yet you haven't pee'd once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...


British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Philosophies of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."-Tom Clancy

"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither."-Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."-Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."-Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."-Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."-Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."-George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - - - no matter what she's reading."-Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."-Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."-Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."-Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."-Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."-Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"-Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."-Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."-Robin Williams

Good ole Andy Rooney!

Right on, Andy Rooney! Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes a few weeks back: (for those of you that don't know Andy Rooney, he is an 82 year old US TV commentator)

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you. (Al)

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

And if you don't like my point of view, tough. DON'T PASS IT ON!!
My date is late. Should I...? - (54 Votes)

Masturbate - 39 (72%)
Smoke myself straight - 5 (9%)
Sit around and wait - 5 (9%)
Go out with Nate - 3 (5%)
Chalk it up to fate - 2 (3%)
If I take your poll, should I - (105 Votes)

Lick it? - 60 (57%)
Just click it? - 24 (22%)
Stick it? - 15 (14%)
Flick it? - 6 (5%)
Prick it? - 0 (0%)