Hello, its next year.
Alot of things happend im not eaven willing to tell to all you strangers but i will share a few things
Im now taking correspondance classes for and Aussie uni in psychology
I am studying and very passionate about Astrology
I have spent the last year very much in love and non-monogoumously with a woman, and we have spent half a year with another woman we are in love with aswell.
ive discovered more of my spirituallity, which has been very nice
and I am very interested, as always, in talking with interesting people.
I finished Da Vinci Code and remained unimpressed. But the lawsuite ageinst Dan Brown is still rediculous. Art has always been inspired by art. Art has always used art to create art. Get the fuck over it.
I am currently reading Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. Reading well-written books has not improved my spelling or grammer.
The Da Vinci Code is not well written or very eloquent. Love in the Time of Cholera is.
I am consumed by everything that is not superfical about life. That dose not leave much to be consumed by.
A woman once told me I remind her of a Taoist because they have never seen me in a hurry.
I was martian before reading stranger in a strangeland.
I do not like to be very drunk. I did enough of that in highschool. The closest to acually drug use I will get is occashional perscription uppers to complete large tasks.
I deeply appreciate expetional (in my opionion) painting, phtography, drawing, tattoing, music, poetry, and writing, but i dont make any of it well.
I, personally, can not live off beauty.
My favorite part of love is its aftermath.
I don't like to cuddle after leprosy
I'm am mutrally in love with a girl who i am with and see often eaven tho both of us understand we wont end up with eachother and are both deeply inlove with our respective mates in diffrent contrys. this dose not dissapoint us and by proximity we love eachothers mates because we are in love, neither of us could be satisfied or happy untill we each have our mates because we see the love for them in eachothers eyes and we find it overwhelmingly beautifull, we will always love eachother, eaven after were married to our respective mates and never forget eachother. eaven tho for now we make the perfect couple that others could only desire to have a relationship with another human being as, all we desire for ourselves and the other is the ones we are ment for. we bide eachothers time untill our mates can be had, keep our love for our mates and connections to them alive and strong, it has to be one of the strangest, and most beautiful situations ive come into, emotions that would almost be over my head if it werent for my nature of reactive adaptation with a base of grounding in such a truth it almost makes me seem psychic to others.
me: in the right context i bet id eat person
me: like..cooked and all
misery: lol thats hot
me: yeah but to you so is humping dead people lol
misery: lol yeah so you kill them ill have sex with them than we will eat them together
me: im not eateing the parts you fucked lol
misery: damn it
me: i dont want to eat your sex!
misery: you suck lol
Im fully aware of when i dont flow, i know when im misprecived, i know when my feelings are unjust..or unrational, i know a large majority of my flaws, and i know when im making mistakes...but i find too much beauty in humanity and imperfection.
Trying to get myself up to speed to match that of life
God i hate time.
I've come to alot of diffrent understanding, i cant define them well enough to explaine on here, and theres far too many, im refering to the past..2..or 4 months
once agein, i hate time
we desroyed my Katana with my kukri, it wasnt out of anger, but the kukri definately won bad, then agein, the kukri is hand made and hand folded
i bought it in nepal
go ahead, say it, what dose it mean in relation to life anyway?
Peters' To Do List:
1.Find a wife
3.Don't be sober
5.Learn to spell
7.Don't get laid
8.Don't date non-wife
9.Start trying in school
11.Coffe is good
13.DON'T FUCK BETH
14.Get a job
16.Live to see "tommorow"
18.Convince self "I am sane"
19.Learn to drive
20.No more minors
21.No more whoring -Emotional or otherwise
22.Learn the ways of the samuri
23.Don't hate Beth
24.Find interesting people
25.Go to Madison
26.Trancend this existance
27.Cure my cancer, and Jodis'.
28.Have casual sex and not hate it
29.Death before dishonor
30.Remind Adam hes an asshole
31.Learn to count
what are you going to do when your not soo fucking beautiful anymore? when nobody will make you think u deserve the pitty or the pain or the gratificatin ot relife?
life is slow..i suppose thats allright tho..spending hours sharpening my Katana, i almost dont want to go out because i have to leave it at home, i take it wherever i can tho...its more than just metal to me. soo fucking bored tonight, i am sick of seeing the same bland people.
wow, that next one sounded really fruity when i read it later. im 5'10 135 lbs, i have more picures but not that many. im up late at night..ushally not awake during the day unless i didnt sleep..which is about once a week, i like debates and other forms of intellegent dialect alot..but i also just like good interesting people. im interesed in psycology, ill be there dor you if you need help..but if i end up deciding i dont like you (which is decided by things in your personallity that you cant, well easily anyway fake) i will stop careing..not intentionally its just the way i work. im ushally fank, honest, and open..but sometimes il beliave things that arent true because there things that dont really matter. im a horrible guy to date, nomatter what your looking for, tho you may beliave im all you need. ive been vegan for 5 years now, i survive by cooking and consuming food, there now you know, dont ask. if ou fourm a relationship to me at some point you may beliave ive changed, its just proof you didnt know me as well as you thought. you can message me if you want...ill most likey respond.
Its been a long time but im back. i dont know what to say on this anymore. it used to be an outlit for my insanities but i dont feel anything like that anymore. i suppose now days im very intreged by the concept and/or being of God after a very interesting conversation at the rainbow gathering, but still not christain in any physical sense...i have alot better grasp on realitys now..either im better adapting to my morphong realitys or my reality is better adapting to the changeing situations in my life. the only problems i have i dont feel i can or should express yet, and i dont need help with. i just want to throw up this statement
I miss being your foreground, your backdrop, your emotional passtime. I cant say for shure ive ever loved you in the way you want and i cant say if i ever will. but i know i do love you increadibly deeply and altho appreciation was rarely expressed, being your one and only made me feel better, and more secure. im fine on my own and you know there all just passtimes, but i enjoyes what i had of you.
well, its been over a year scence ive written in this, my membership expired, will bend over for a new one..but i always forget to have 20 bucks for it. beth and i are long over..it went well..kind of..but then got really horrible and the insinuateing freinship hasnt worked out terribly well. im with another girl now, been with her 3..months..i think...mabe 2, *shruggs* but thats going really well, only see her on the weekends..so i still have the week for freinds..she isnt commanding or demanding and allowes me alot of freedom while always being more than willing to reach out a gental comforting hand and a soft calming voice when im in need. more than that she dosnt really pay attention to society..at all or any of its runles in conduct with people or herself..i enjoy and admire that alot...im alot more settled, content these days..dont find a need to go insaine over ideas anymore..dont see a need for bliss, i still get unhappy, and glad..but not like i was in the prior years...well ill be done, thx for reading
Ok everything that I would put on here is gunna be put on my COA journal from now on..Soo this is gunna stop growing :) I still love all of u though.
Hello people. Time for life update, if u are wondering about my picture it isn?t a display of violence, its symbolizing my former mindset of my life being an epic battle with psychosis and pain. Fighting to make it too my goals. I really just needed to be weak and vulerable..Tho the mindset wasn?t so ignorant because in my loneliness it?s the only thing that drove me. I?m dating Beth now..Things are going well with that.. We?ve been friends for about 3 years..She used to be a pothead but she stopped and she is pretty intelligent without THC in her brain :), I feel more for her day after day..I used to look for people like me..U know what? That?s the last thing I really needed..just drove me further into dillushion..and tore the relationship and me apart..Nicole was on the other side of the spectum tho..her lack of knowlage about her emotions and life just made it not work..i wanted her to grow..she couldnt do that with me..i can see beth and i growing together very well..tho it still might not work..i have to be realistic..im unshure of how she feels about us..i need to talk to her about that..i want u all tho see the rest of my profile tho..any1 wanna buy me a memebership cuz im cute? loli guess i lack the boobs :( Anyway i still love to talk to new ppl..drop a message and rate me :)
if gods perfect, why cant he die?
"in the end, everyone dies alone"
this fucking medication..passing grades in extange for my broad line of vishion, social skills, stability, people who care...is it fucking worth it? i can only assume so...doomed to be another fucking drone. i wish i still had the passion ignorance and motivation to kill myself..fuck...
Hello people who decide to subject themselves to my irellevent self-centerd pathetic little rambleings. Today i have felt more alone than i have in a long while..but its diffrent this time..it is soo increadibly unintended..i try to connect with people and accept their interaction but i know that they really are not there for me emotionally..just mentally. and i accept this..what else can i do? but it makes it that much more difficult to interact..it causes this hate and pain and passion and desire when i talk to people so i end up just acting like a dumbass to distract myself..i do not pitty myself however i know all this is due to me and how i am and my mistakes and my ignorance..ive pushed soo many away i have no right to complaine about being alone..but i need to get this out..i would talk to some1 but like i said i feel as tho no1s there..so im sitting here spilling my deep thoughts and emotions pointlessly over a computer screen knowing people will read this and fucking pitty me..i dont want to be pittied..i need a diary. ive become soo pathetic...being alone like this shouldnt bother me but it dose eaven when i accept it..its just in my nature i suppose..so i feel as tho i have no grounding in other people whatsoever..so im left to drift..my accopmlishments mean nothing to me altho they should..i feel as tho im just another little poser goth waiting for death to come..but i still do school work and remain sober..*sigh* just forget about reading this it really isnt intended for other people COA is just my outlet when i have no other, i want to be touched cuddled hugged and loved...but hugging and cuddleing makes me feel passionately violent because i feel and know they dont care and its just pointless. bye
just ignore the below..im fine im just unmotivated and a little too alone for comfort..medciation helps for a comfterble numbness..i think it just makes me content with it..this would mean my intuitioin is going..that would be sad..oh well..i drew a rose and a small peice of abstract today..my abstract is improving after seeing what jodi did to my other ones i saw that they do need to be more filled..i wish u could see the rest of my profile but i dont have money, i need a job...i feel like im just walking thru life waiting for death..heres some movie qoutes i like
"Nothing, miles of nothing just space. You could fall in and never come out"
"beauty is the end"
"if the skys were to suddenly open up and the world were to end, there would only be you and the people you touched"
god theres more but i really cant remember at all..its my mood..i feel like a rambleing goth boi..fuck me and my unintentional-poser-goth self :) some1 should tell me what pic to put up from my pics page..
why soo much infatuation twords me? i dont want it..it causes too much pain i like one person alot and she knows i like her i just know she dosnt feel the same..and if we are together it would hurt other ppl..but i guess the whole complex dosnt matter because this girl..dosnt return the feelings for me..so i guess my problem just never existed..oh well this was pointless*sigh* hold no hope, experience no dissapontlemt..right? i have alot of other shit to do..but i would still like to have some1 there..no not someone..just this person...if shes reading this im not beating around the bush u should well fucking know who u are Jodi lol but dont fret or feel bad about this..i mean..ill be fine..we have a good freindship..its just desire i felt with u tonight..my feelings for u like to kick my ass once in awhile :) this is done. pointlessness. fuckit (sorry if this sounded like a pitty trip or some shit...its just emotions vomited onto the screen, im ok dont worrie.)
its been a hell of a month..i might be going to court because i had sex with my 14 yr old ex (we were dateing at the time) in the school bathroom..her moms pressing charges. my life as u can see has had alot of mistakes in it...ive fucked up alot, i need to stop justifying my mistakes. yes i did learn, yes i grew but that dosnt mean there werent consiquences..theres a physical world out there outside of my mind. Im going to be an adult in a year and a month...i have no job failing school no car and no lisanse..its time to grow up. i need to stop basing life over survival of my head and holding on to my pathetic self contradicting stances. i need to stop hopeing for things to get better and depending on that hope and i really need to stop blaming other ppl for there mistakes when i know ive made just as many..its time to just get off my ass and prepare for life..and stop searching for reality..u cant force such things. anyway what all this is saying is its just my time to grow up..and stop trying to walk on water.
My life is a huge lie and a grand misleading, at least i know it..
i must have horrible luck..im ment to be alone so please dont bother me with hopes of romances with me...not now.
I can never sustaine a long diststance relationship nomateer how phenomenal that person is. notmatter how much "fate" there is. i have a need to feed on my mates soul..another form of vampyrisum and without that it all becomes fake to me.
How much of what we think up of is just a justification for our state of minds and ways of like and how much, if any is acuall realiztion?, or is there any diffrence between the two.
if u stay above the situatoin..hand happy..stable despite your life bein aloneand shit, is that blissfull ignorance? but if u stay in the stitation and let it destroy u isnt that over reacing and another form of ignorance? how can we hate the ignorant just for affecting us in negitive ways when we all are..eaven being ignorant enouf to hate them for it (Jodi phrase - "ahhhh fuckit. nevermind.)
soo unshure of what i desire...and im not shure if i want to know.(often used quote of Jodi-"fucking goths")
To love and have lost, is to realize what youve lost and know the pain and desperation of loneliness.
mail me ciggerets if u like my profile...please?? *puppy face*
it all comes back to the same in the end.
After u read this im shure you will find many repeating patterns, i realize this, i just hope i realize a bit more everytime..im fairly confident i do. Seeing as this has this has become my little thoughts jornal i found it nessisary to add another paragraph. Feelings and emotuions..perplex me..i dont understand, they are soo illogical and they seem to just be this way of desprately seeking something to hold me together..love is truly blind..blind to all logic and reason, blind to all the pain it can cause me when it chooses who it dose..but eaven when im stable...i need it so bad..my entire..essance seems built for, Holly told me that i was ment to have a love..to be one of those ppl who just..have this sweetheart they care about soo much..but yet they still live there independant lives..and they just serve to make eachother supported..happy...not in so many words tho..but the thought of that gives me this warm comfort inside and i know shes right. being a whore, something i wouldnt mind..but my emotional attachemtn problems are outragus..but im still confused...i know..i should die inside...kill myself and go back to my apathy, but just the hope..the hope..i hate hope...it destroys me so much i wish i want so pathetic..i can take the emotional pain i guess...i cant really handle it..but ive lived with pain thats always too much nomatter how stong i become my whole life..Jesus..i cant get all this longing and shit out of my head..i wish i could heal ppl..make them better..and i wish some1 cared about me enouf to support me..*sigh* this is soo pathetic and i know it is..the other part of me..wants me to die because im soo godamn weak and my lack of desire to be stong agein..being strong is soo pointless for me..it brings me no conentment..i want to be strong thru some1 else i dont want to be stong alone agein...i dont think ill be left much choice...ill invite some apathy back i guess...i really wish i just didnt have to go thru this agein...
(thoughts 4 hrs later)=fuck apathy and fuck hope, its not the pain that hurts, its the hoplessness of my feelings that rips me apart..agein, and worst of all i cant help it because my feelings refuse to fucking follow logic FUCK!!!!!!!!!
GDFP = God Damn Fucking People..use it
Holly, im sorry..i guess now i know what its like to be an everyday asshole u know..i mean nothing to u to..im losing almost every1..guess ill get to grow more or summin..
THX Stellar fot the awsome pic job!! *MUAH*
Stellar..omg hun u r such a sweetie! if u were a vegan gummie bear id gobble up up your just dripping w/ overwhelimg sweetness!!
I LOVE YOU MILLENCHIC!!! *MUAH*!
I am sooo pathetic lol..sorry to me traditoinal arge slit my wrist and due wollowing in self pitty boy today..i just need to write..i mean i cry..sooo much...over things that are completly irrational..it makes no sense for me to...why do ppl veiw pain in such a significant way? always wanting u to talk..always wanting to heal u..i guess its hippocrytical because i do the same to other ppl but to me..i find all of my shit irrelevent hence nobody else should..i really..just want to be left alone..ya know? alone isnt a bad thing..i spent many years in it..im just not cut out to have freinds..my emotions are farr too fucked and i let myself be destroyed alot..and u know it isnt there falt..i know i do it..i let my trust and feelings grow..without ever telling or warning them...i find this pathetic..soo fucking pathetic..i really do not want u ppl readingthis to take pitty on me...thats really pointless...i love u all tho..i would heal and nuture every fucking person if i could...its just some pathetic desire but whats worse is i never accomplish helping or healinganybody..this is why i keep my trust and feelings to myself...so i do not hinder or complicate some1 elses life..tho thru all this..and the realization of that i never accomplish anyof my goals with ppl..i really would just like to be left to myself...these are all my true feelings and thoughts..not looking for drama..or pitty..i just had to write..well im done...the other stuff in my profile isnt like this..so read it for your enjoyment..alot of thoughts and such..
read the song at the bottom..it kinnda relates to me now..lol
in my ever lasting quest for an attempt to bring meaning and understanding to everything ive come across this subject many times in my wondering thoughts. Now i know christains stand firm that all the bible is true to the last word, but i would like to remind those ppl that what was put in the binle was decided by a group of ppl who debated over subjects..hence the prejudeces of the day that at the time were precived as absolutely moral to uphold must have been put in merely by rational and genral fear. The basic prophices and Jesuses own words however..and Gods actoins seem to contrict eachother UNTILL you look at it all as a metaphore reflecting onto what ppl are as opposed to describing outside supernatural beings. The trinity..satan..Jesus (i know hes part of the trinity) all seem to exist in human kind..in many ppl if not all all 3 at once...Jesuses words and pursicution hints at what will happen to those who uphold this, a betayal of those who beliave the religon to the literall sense. I beliave much of the bible has been somewhat twisted thru interpitation..many words can have much more than one meaning in the bible..the ratoinal of the time decideds what one. Of chorse there is MUCH more to this but its farr too much to type into my profile. end.
(THANKYOU JODI FOR DISSCUSSING AND DEVELOPING THIS WITH ME!!! we need to go to Perkins and talk more!)
i was stitting down outside smoking a clove and i realized i seriously lack testosterone..i dont wanna fuck..i just one a certain sum1..whome i wont name to kiss me..hold me..love me..thats all..but i guess i need to change b/c its not gunna happen and a need for dependancy was always a red flag for me as it tells me im not content..*sigh* i should go on hormone treatments and drink nasty beers while screeming and smash them on my head (that would be a joke if u know me)
IF YOUR ARE A PRACTICING DRUID MESSAGE ME ive read a bit on them and taken alot into my life from their teachings id be very interested in learning more from a flesh and blood person.
If you dont message me, dont expect one from me..im not social like that but i ushally respond..out of curtosy if nothing else unless u give me a pointless and shitfaced message like "hey your hot" so drop one if u want to talk, Thankyou.
u know what, alot of shit happens...to every1..i choose to extract all of...well..this from it i am of now giving up on trying to update it..this is old but who gives a shit..
i cant take this way of life much longer..i cant take love and life..im considering going back to myself..back to the dark part of me, it can empower and shelter me..im too weak living this way when i dont have the support i need..too weak to eaven stand up to everything...too much pain..too many tears..too much of my own blood...cant take it.
Id just like to say everything below is old..ill leave it so u can get a backround of this year but ive realized the perfection of the human mind and soul..instead of extrapulateing power from inside myself im closer to being inline with my natural being..i know this sounds like tree hugger shit..but its what i learned...i take much intrest in druidry if u are involved in that religon id very much like to talk to u..im curious..i feel more now tho..i also hurt more..im not shure if its going well i may have to reteat back into my little world im not shure if my sanity will hold thru this...i am very much intue to my intuitive sense..it keeps me alive and sain..i have troubles now from ignoreing it..well thats all..enjoy the long read if u have time.
too much pain...soo many tears..im considering going back to myself...its i cant take life and love i just cant fucking stand this all as myself...im too weak alone in this way of life and i have no1 to support me to the degree i need it..
before any of this id like to state my hate for the standards of age and will be further decribed below. but age is the one thing that keeps me from some1 i love very deeply, i was willing to give up everything for her and the laws standards of age fucked up everything..now im a wreck im not doing well lately at all..and my s/n is more than likely being moniterd but i beliave its a right of mine to say fuck the government and its bull shit laws. and to the person this is about, i love u very much...never forget the promises i made to you, i fully intend to hold to them.
much thx to Jopez for the awsome kitten/masturbatoin song!
too many straight guys in the world...
if you are a real person, whos interesting please drop one
the better i get at not feeling or copeing w/ emotoinal pain, the harder it wears at me and the harder it fights back...*this is not a pathetic cry for help, so dont give it to me or take it as one*
fuck me, hurt me, cut me, burn me, beat me...just make it real.
Im vegan..skinny and weigh 150 at 5'9 and I shave more than my face ;), my eyes about every week (brown blue and my fave, green..and every shade of those colors) and i tend to be dominate..but not if im going thru a mood...but i change alot..not really but i appear to ARG its confusing and ill only go into detail about it w/ u if i think i can or should but youd have to be a pretty abnormasl thing and eaven then u wouldnt be interested ah FUCK IT ignore this sectoin i wrote it so i dont wanna delete my effots lol.
how many lines do u think itll let me put, do u think it matters? can anything i put here give u a taste of what i am, who i am..the real meat beneath the callis? no, i dont think so..not eaven social workers can peace me together they just give up on my anomoly. Not that i care, having somebody close to me would indeed most likely destroy me anyway. So why am i typing? at that why are u reading this? bordom? intrest mabe? heh...theres the answer
Age seems to matter soo much now days. Ive had soo many ppl want to fuck me but won't based sheerly on age difference. It couldnt possibly be beacuse its illegal, we all know better. At times thy tell me to call them when im 17 and thats the best they can do, granted is only a lil over a yr but that pont works on both sides of the argument. it couldnt be my wisdom..i love having it challenged in debate and ive grown alot thru my life experiences. Do i see myself above others in my age? on the majority yes because they are ignorant to the truth infront of them..refuse to accept the change that would in the end make them into something more...veiw deppresshouin in an ignorant sense and react in pointless ways to it. agein this paragrph is paontless, see a patteran? it is because it probly wont make a difference on u as long as u still withhold the standards of popular scociety and whats "degrading" or "ethically and morally in line". there ate those few who have been less ignorant asnd more openminded, love, as well as lust is not bound by age but maturity and ive wrote this merely to get it off my mind
if by the time youve read all this you think im self rigous and concited..mmmm...id say your half right..but im fully confident the ppl that are worth talking to will message me if they read this but i just looked at it and im like "shit do i ever sound like im overly self confident" so i donno this whole box has been random thoughts and rambleing this just adds to it :)
Distant (Rubicon 2)
The paths that I once tread
have all but gone.
Only embers now smoulder
where bridges once burned.
I feel alive and yet I fear
what may happen now.
I know I can't return.
And I hear me say again
'oh let me not return'.
Damn the illusion of redemption
and the hopes that held me here.
I will oppose all that would befall me.
With this rage inside of me
I will defy what I would become.
The solitude and anger
that do battle inside me
will always guide me to the answers
that I know I may not see.
They are the bonds that hold me tighter.
They are the chains that weigh on me.
One day I know they will be gone.
Can I start again and erase this pain
by casting doubts into the waters,
asking judgement of the sea.
Though fortune may guide to the fools
I have no wish to be free
until I am gone.
(Victory not Vengance)
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