A man has just jacked off and is staring at the sperm in his hand.RESPECT OTHERS. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT AND HAS THEIR OWN OPINION. RESPECT THEM!!
He says thoughtfully, "Any of you could have been a great person.
Perhaps a scientist, a best selling author, even the President of the United
He then raises his hand and licks it clean.
"Guess I'll give you another chance."
"In order for the American Eagle to fly, it has to have the right wing and the left wing."
"Happiness is like a cat. If you try to coax it or call it, it will avoid you. It will never come. But if you pay no attention to it and go about your business, you'll find it rubbing up against your legs and jumping into your lap." ~ William Bennett
"If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics."
Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they
don't fall asleep afterwards.
If stupidity were a crime, most people would be serving a life sentence.
"Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question." ~ Albert Camus
"Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of pleasures, costs nothing, and conveys much." ~ Erastus Wiman
"Time and money spent in helping men do more for themselves is far better than mere giving." ~ Henry Ford
"What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would
be a good idea." ~ Mahatma Ghandi
"All things are contingent, and there is also chaos. In other words... shit happens." ~ Spalding Gray, Requiescat in Pace
"Politics - 'Poli' meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'blood sucking creatures'" ~ Unknown
"Everybody seems to be calling teenagers lazy and accusing them of spending too much time watching TV, (playing) computer games.... But every time they start going outside and having fun, somebody either wnts to outlaw it, or organize it. Let kids be kids. If this old fossil can figure it out, so should the powers that be."
"And if you are going to use the Bible as reference, kindly remember that it was written at least 2,000 years ago, translated many times over from many languages, and assembled 300 years after being written."
"I don't really care what kind of superstitious nonsense you churchy people believe in. Just get over the idea that you have to be in my face with it all the time and that it is (your) mission...to convert me. I'm not superstitious."
"Of course, Christians want God in the Pledge of Allegiance. They're used to brainwashing their children."
Histories Odd: Hippocrates, Father of Medicine, suggested that a woman could enlarge her bust line by singing loudly and often.
"Those who are willing to trade their liberty for security deserve neither." ~ Benjamin Franklin
If you ever doubt the wisdom of the founding fathers, consider the fact that the motto on the first coin minted by the United States was "Mind Your Own Business"
"None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married" ~ Ed Howe
"Think wrongly, if you please, but in all cases think for yourself." ~ Doris Lessing
"The path to truth is obscured by frivolous lawsuits." ~ Marilyn Manson
"Don't worry what others think of you, it's what you think of them that's important." ~ Johnny Cash
"When men speak ill of thee, live so as nobody may believe them." ~ Plato
"Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system." ~ P.J. O'Rourke
"Yeah, I probably talk too much. But you can't say fuck too much." ~ Steve Earle
"I'm an American before I'm a Republican or a Democrat."
"We hang the petty thieves, but appoint the great ones to public office." ~ Aesop (600 B.C.)
"Speech is conveniently located midway between thought and action, where it often substitutes for both" ~ John Andrew Holmes
The earliest known recipe was for beer!!!!
"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." ~ Lucille S. Harper
"Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage." ~ H.L. Mencken
"To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it." ~ Confucius
"I'm sorry but I can't come in today." said the Employee.
"My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
"Anal Glaucoma? What's that?" asked the boss.
"It means I just can't see my ass coming into work!"
Definition of Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think i understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
This is a genuine psychological test. Read carefully!
It is a story about a girl.
While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She so believed him to be so much her dream guy, that she fell in love with him but never asked for his number
A few days later, the girl killed her own sister.
What is her motive in killing her sister? Give this some though for a while before you scroll down. Your first thought is what counts here.
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered as indicated above.
Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis. Would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.
Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
If you said YES to the abortion question...
...you just killed Beethoven.